I've seen what faith can do!

October 12^th will always hold a special place in my heart, because it was on this date last year that I chose to quit just talking the talk, but to truly walk the walk.  I had believed in Jesus for a long time and in the past had had a great relationship with Him. I chose to let troubles of this world, wounds given to me, wounds I had given, and the fact that the plans for my life were not necessarily the plans God had for my life have much more focus than they needed.  I had been a Christian since I was 8 years old, but for the past 10 years or so I had chosen not to truly value my relationship with Him…that was until last October!

Kutless had their new song out, “What Faith Can Do”  and I cannot tell you the times I had listened to it and wondered “just what can my faith do?”  It felt so small, but I wore the mask of a faithful follower well.  I attended our annual Pastor’s Oasis and the group Selah was there and they had a song that really spoke to me, called “Unredeemed” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NreUhPk9s9Y) Its amazing how God can really grab my heart with a song…He knows what each of us needs and what exactly will speak to us, and perhaps only us, but He always knows best!  He was tendering my heart, getting it ready for the breaking process it was about to endure.

The day after I returned from Pastor’s Oasis I left for Memphis to go hear Beth Moore…and if you don’t know who she is…google her! NOW!  Jason jokingly calls us a cult, but it’s a cult I’m a proud member of!  

She was doing a women’s conference in Memphis and I went with some ladies from our church.  She spoke right to me, or should I say God spoke directly to me through her.  He was calling me to forgive where forgiveness needed to be given, to love those that might hate me, and to lay all my broken pieces at His feet.  Of course, being the hard head that I am, I left without doing any of the above!

Then came Sunday night after church, actually pretty late that night, I had a true heart to heart with a friend. Spilled just about everything and told her I knew I had been wearing a mask.  Those masks that are so easy to put on…the mask of “everything is okay”, the mask of “Bible studier”, the mask of “all is well”, the mask of “caring pastor’s wife”.  There are so many masks we wear, the list could go on and I’m pretty sure I had a closet full of them, just chose daily which one I was going to wear and would just put on whichever one the day called for and typically would pack a few more “just in case”.  Oh how I was fooling myself!

She gave me a verse that night and I read it when I got home, but it wasn’t until Monday morning, October 12, 2009 that I took it to heart.  Psalm 51:17 “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”  That morning I literally spent three hours with the Father. Oh what a precious time!  I laid down all my hurts, fears, failures, basically a broken heart and gave them to Him…and that is where the healing began.  I prayed Psalm 51:12 “Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”  My faith had been stagnant long enough and I had just been going through the motions, oh, but no more!

Has the road been easy? No. Healing hurts. Has it brought joy? Absolutely!  It’s the joy that can only come from Him and spending time with Him.  When you allow Him full access to your heart and build on the relationship that begins the day of salvation, its life changing!

I’m grateful for my husband who prayed for me and had known for a while that this point was coming, but in his wisdom he chose to just remain quiet and allow God’s timing and His Spirit to lead me to the change.  He is such a godly man and I thank God for him every day of my life.

I’m also grateful for a young college student, who turned out to be one of the best friends ever.  I know we are a very unlikely pair, but isn’t that just like God, to put a friend in our life that is totally beyond anything we ever imagined?!  Sarah Hebert has listened, encouraged, challenged, and was always there asking “have you put that armor on yet?”  She held me accountable and still does, even now, living a half a world away.  I’m forever grateful for this unique friendship and she will never know just how much God has used her life in my relationship and growth in Him.

God has opened door after door once I gave it all to Him.  He led me to go on a trip to the Philippines last February where I helped with the Asia-Pacific Women’s Conference.  What a blessing that was!  I’ll have to admit though, that I had this overwhelming fear once I got there of “what in the world was He thinking bringing me here?”  God always knows best!  Though I’m so unworthy, He still loves me and has just led me to be a lot more transparent with Him and with others.

Am I still wearing masks?  I’d be lying to say that I never throw one of those on, but I’m much more aware of what I’m doing and can more easily lay them aside and just be real. Transparency in this day and age is hard.  Everyone expects the pastor’s wife to have it all together, well, NEWSFLASH…this one doesn’t!  I’m just a sinner saved by grace just like the next person. And oh what marvelous grace that is!  I’m so thankful that I serve an amazing God who loves me, regardless of anything I may do; it’s unconditional! 

Now the prayer of my heart is to break my heart for what breaks His.  I want that passion to love others like He loves them.

Yes, this past year, “silent prayers have been answered, broken hearts have been made new, that’s what faith can do!”