"How Long, O Lord, How Long?"

"How long, O Lord, how long?" those are the words of David in Psalm 6.  Have you ever found yourself asking the same thing?  I sure have!  It seems there are times in our lives that God just seems silent. I will be honest, I do NOT like those times. At. All. It is during these times that my heart cries out the same words as King David, asking God, "how long?" 
There are days that I feel I am in a place of either totally depending on Him or totally giving up. I've often wondered if I am the only one that feels this way, because folks don't talk much about their weaknesses, their fears, their insecurities, their failures, their own unbelief.  I've been assured I am not the only one, so if you've been there you'll understand. If you've never been there, then well, please don't judge me, I'm just sharing my heart.
Total dependence on Him has always been a struggle for me. Always. I am much quicker to depend on self, material possessions, or friends than to depend on God. Its easier. As crazy as it seems, as a control freak, its easier to depend on those things we have some control over. When we give it all over to God, then we give up that control, that dependence on what we can know and see. We have to take our focus off of self and place it on the King of the Universe, and that means we have to give up our pity parties.
Now, I know all the Sunday School answers. I know "He is God. He is faithful. He can always be trusted. He sees the big picture. He holds my heart." I can quote all of those with the best of them!  Some days those are quoted to me and the enemy tries hard to shut my heart on them, to be hard hearted, calloused. These are the very days I really have to cling to those simple truths. Those Sunday School truths that I've been taught my entire life: God is love. God does care. God does listen to our hearts. God knows everything. God doesn't mind our questions. God desires to spend time with me. God thinks I'm beautiful. God doesn't expect perfection, He knows I'm human. He just desires me to seek Him and to trust Him.
Its decision time at that point to choose His ways of dependence on Him or to just give up, which involves putting on the mask and giving the right answers even when my heart doesn't believe them. Yes, basically, a hypocrite. I don't want that. I don't want to just give the right answers, I want to KNOW them in my heart of hearts. To believe them with all that is in me. I want transparency in my life so that it may bring Him glory.
He IS God. He IS in control. He WILL be with me. He WILL hold my heart in His tender care. He "has heard my cries for mercy and accepted my prayer." (Psalm 6:9)

Struggles will continue, I'm not naive to believe they won't, but I want to encourage my friends out there:
-the ones who have children who are critically ill, or just those who have kids with a cold.
-the ones going through chemo and radiation treatments, or those just with the flu.
-the ones who have marriages falling apart, and those that are sticking it out no matter what.
-the young ladies whom have allowed things to go too far, and those who desire to remain pure.
-those caring for ailing parents, and those who have had to say goodbye too soon.
-those who are seeking happiness in the things of the world, and those who are seeking Him.
-those that think money will buy happiness, and those who realize it never will.
-those ministers and families in churches where its more important what you wear than what you believe, and those who look beyond the clothes, to the heart of the people
-those missionaries that find themselves wondering what was He thinking, to those who know, without a doubt, they are exactly where they belong.
-and those like me that find themselves struggling with insecurities and unbelief, and those who have gotten past those very insecurities and beliefs.
To each of you, let us remind each other that through it all, our God IS faithful! He IS in control!  He IS with us! He WILL hold us! He WANTS to hear our honest cries! He LONGS to give us His grace and mercy! He always has been, is, and always will be enough!

Psalm 9:10 "Those who know Your name will trust in You, for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You."  He will never abandon us no matter what we face! Praise His name!!

does it really matter?

Do you ever ask yourself that question?  Is what I'm doing really have a purpose? Am I really reaching anyone? Does it all matter?  Really???

I know this is totally different than my last post, that "remaining" one. I honestly desire to be one of those upbeat, always positive people that can give you just the right word of encouragement when you need it. Quote just the right Bible verse at just the right time. Be there at your side with just the right words, but lets face it, that's. not. me.

Struggles come. Life is thrown at me. And to be quite honest and transparent, well, sometimes I don't deal with it in the best way. There's always the friend there to remind me that she is praying and that He is faithful, but truthfully, I still want to run and hide under a rock!  I want to talk about it all. I don't want to talk about it. I want to deal with it and get it all taken care of. I don't want to deal with it. I want to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I want to punch someone in the face. Can you relate?  Its a battle. The old age battle that cartoons depict by a little angel sitting on one shoulder and a little red devil sitting on the other. Which will I listen to?

Why do my kids argue all the time? What have I done or not done in raising them that they can't behave like "those" children. You know the ones!  Why do I allow teenage girls to get to me so? Why do I meet with them week after week and some days I feel as if every seed I'm throwing is falling on rocky ground? That it will never take root!  Why can't I just pack my bags, buy a plane ticket and head to the tropics for a few days?  Isn't life better at the beach? Don't problems disappear there? Isn't all perfect there amidst the palm trees and sandy shores?

Well after trying to remain in Him this weekend, He reminds me that I don't always have to be upbeat, but I do have to trust Him. He reminds me that I won't always have the right words to say, but to trust Him and sometimes I just need to listen or to be listened to. He reminds me that "those kids" are not perfect, they fuss and fight as well, just like my kids. He reminds me that teenage girls are just crazy, hormonal young ladies trying to find their place in this world and to not give up on them. Some of those seeds very well may fall on rocky soil, but to keep doing what I'm doing for all the ones that drop on fertile soil. For those that really get it!

He also reminds me that life is not perfect underneath the palm trees either, that packing my bags and running away from it all is just that...running away. There would still be problems. Life still happens. Hurricanes would eventually come, just like storms in this life. And like the old song says, "sometimes He calms the storms, other times He calms His child". I'm not sure which way He's going to take me today, but I'm choosing now to trust Him for the calming, however it comes.

And I'm sure this is quite ramble-ly....I'm going to blame it on the NyQuil, the DayQuil, the Claritin, and the Advil!

Remaining...

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love." John 15:9

Remaining. Abiding. Staying. Continuing. Resting. Waiting.

It seems everywhere I have looked this week, God has been there to remind me, this is what I must do to honestly and wholly seek Him.  I read a quote from my Beth Moore Bible study that keeps resonating in my head..."Sometimes we stand to learn the most about God from the situations we understand the least."  As my friend Rebekah would say, "that'll preach!"

How true it is that the things that make the least amount of sense to us at times, are the experiences God will use the most?? The key, I am learning, is to wait. UGH! Is waiting not a killer sometimes?  I want to see the reason why NOW! I am a product of the microwave generation, I don't want it 30 minutes from now, I really would've liked it 30 minutes ago! 

I ask : Why are my children not getting the lessons and virtues we are trying to instill in them? 
He answers: Just remain in Me.
I ask: Why are these young ladies not getting these lessons from Your Word that we teach week after week?
He answers: Just abide in Me.
I ask: Why does it feel like I have no one that understands me at times?
He answers: Just stay here with Me.
I ask: Why keep going? Is it really making a difference?
He answers: Just continue.
I ask: Why, as a wife, mom, pastor's wife, PTO member, homeroom mother, Sunday School teacher, daughter, sister, friend, etc etc, I feel as if I can barely keep my head above the water?
He answers: Just rest in Me.
I ask: Why are there days that I feel I can't hear You?  Like You are not answering me?
He answers: Just wait on Me.

And while I am remaining, abiding, staying, continuing, resting, and waiting....I study His Word. I trust.  There are many people in this world that we long to be more like, I'm deep into one of their Bible studies and books right now and I skyped with four others this morning, but He reminded me as I clicked "end call" that He did not call me to be like them, He called me to be like Him. We can't measure our love and reverance and respect for God through what others are doing or not doing, we have to use God as our ultimate example.  We have to live the life He called us to live and that is a life of remaining in Him.

I would love to tell you this is something I have down, that I abide in Him every single day of my life. Fail. Oh but those days I get it! Really get it! What joy it brings! He's teaching me, little by little, lesson by lesson, day by day that He is always enough! He is always faithful! And He that began a good work in me, will be faithful to complete that work! (Philippians 1:6) His only request of me...to remain in Him.

To all the guys I love!

February is the month that reminds us of roses, chocolates, Valentines....L.O.V.E.  So, I thought what better time to blog about the loves of my life.  Its not like I've had a ton or anything, but the ones I have loved have changed my life for the better.

The very first love of my life was that of many little girls...my daddy.  As little girls we all dream of Prince Charming coming for us one day, and often we compare that person to our dad. I was blessed with an amazing Daddy who did everything he could to make sure my brother and I grew up with all of our needs met and many of our wants. We didn't have a lot, but we typically always had fun.  He raised us to love God first and then to always treat others the way we would like to be treated.  He was the man that everyone hugged at church and everywhere else we went. He never met a stranger, still doesn't. He can talk to anyone. Anytime. About anything...well, except for computers or smart phones. I do believe he thinks those are from the dark side! :)  He is a lot like his dad, in that he would give you the shirt off of his back if you needed it.  He's a workaholic, always has been. I believe its the work ethic that his generation was raised with ingrained into their very being. Whereas my generation works to have fun, his generation worked to survive. Big difference.  Yes, my daddy was the first man to claim a piece of my heart. I love you, Daddy!

The next man I met that I truly fell in love with, my Daddy introduced me too.  This man, though I've never seen Him with my eyes, or held His hand, or searched for Him on Facebook, He's always with me. He watches over me. He holds me. He is the Friend above all friends. We have had many heart to heart talks since that June evening when I was 8 years old and first met Him. He's heard my every laugh and giggle and caught every single tear my eyes have shed. He even tells me He bottles those tears. He's been there through every failure. Held me when I was full of fear. Has rejoiced with me in many joyful times. And has blessed me in ways that I could never ever imagine!  I worship Him. He made me to have a relationship with Him. I adore Him. I praise Him. He desires my adoration and praise. I strive to be like Him. He wants me to be like Him. I fail Him so often. He always forgives me. He loves me more than anyone else in the world.
I love You, my God. My King. Jesus.

My next major love in my life I met three days after I graduated high school. I had him at "hi", ask him, he'll tell you. He can still tell you what I wore on our first date. And I still remember that hot looking teenage boy that walked into church, and set behind my friend and I, dressed in his Levi's and Ocean Pacific t-shirt. He's an old soul. Always has been. He was the "in the library, at a desk, study everything" college student. I was the "I'll glance over it in the morning before the test, but right now, lets go do something fun" student. He is the tailored, preppy dresser. I am the comfy, fad dresser. He's quiet in a group setting. I am not. He is an amazing speaker. I'd rather have a root canal than speak in public!  He is merciful and compassionate. I'm more of the "suck it up, you're fine" type. He's old school cell phone. I'm 4G. He's into books. I'm into blogs. We are different in so many ways, but our love is founded upon our trust in our Lord and our commitment we made to Him and to each other in June of 1989. He still makes me laugh like no one else can. He has the patience of Job with me. We have been through many difficult days and he has always been by my side, holding my hand, assuring me that it was all in God's plan. We just had to trust. He's been in ministry since before we married, which is crazy that he married me! That makes me a pastor's wife and I don't play the piano. I don't sing. I don't teach children's worship. I'm not comfortable doing hospital visits and I'm really lousy at cooking food for church socials! 

But I am in love with the most fabulous pastor on planet earth. I know him like no one else knows him and I can tell you, his walk walks just like his talk talks!  I'm not worthy, but I'm forever grateful!  I love you, Jason!

The last guy who has taken part of my heart came to us one fall afternoon in 2000.  He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. He lifts me up. He drops me to my knees. He is my son. I've watched him grow in curiosity wondering what things are, what they do, why they do it, and if we can't figure out the answers, well, we'll just take it apart and see exactly why. He can spout off something and I'll threaten to wrap his tongue around his head. Then he can say something with such tenderness, I want to hug him so tight and never let him go.  Little boys are some of mama's greatest joys. Our little men. We want to care for their every need, yet we want them to be independent young men. We want to shelter their hearts from the hurts we know will come. Our hearts melt when they tell us that first time, "Mommy, I'm going to marry you when I grow up and live with you forever and ever."  And though I'm completely and madly in love with him, my son. I want him to find that special young lady, the one who is chasing after the heart of God first in her life. I want him to grow up with the compassion of his father, the kindness of his Papa, and the amazing love and covered in the grace of our Lord. I love you, Turner!

These are the guys I've loved and still love and will for always....my daddy, my God, my sweetheart and my son.

I. am. blessed!

Do-over please!!

Do you ever just want to shout "DO-OVER!!!!" like a 3rd grader on the kickball field?  Why do we always think if we have a "do-over" we could get it right? I've often been the recipient of a "do-over" and you know what? I still end up doing the exact same thing as I did before and yes, I still tend to whine "do-over, pleeeeeeease!!!" I just want to get it right. I just want to be happy. I just want my family and friends to be happy. Do you know what I'm beginning to get? That God did not call me to be "happy", He called me to obedience.  He did not call me to live a life of "do-overs" but to live a life of trusting Him. He calls me to surrender. He calls me be faithful. To be obedient. To be joyful. To be content.

With all of these thoughts flooding my mind this morning, it reminded me of being in 3rd grade....remember playing kickball? I LOVED kickball. And lets be honest, I ROCKED the kickball field!  I was typically the captain, and though my friend was not the best, she was always my first pick, because even then, I realized that friendships go further than kickball games. Sadly, as we grow, we sometimes forget that.

Life, and lets call it like it is, Satan! has a way of making us cynical. He is the one that makes us scream "do-over", basically because he loves to watch us fail over and over again. He thrives on keeping us miserable.  I'm choosing today, to change that. I want to be like Paul in Philippians 4:11, "to be content whatever the circumstances."  And lets face it, looking at the weather forecast, this is going to be a big step.
I know that joyful, contented 3rd grader is deep inside here.  It was that same year that we had a poster contest that I actually won. I had drawn a picture of a little boy, kind of like a Tiny Tim from Dickens' book, he was dressed in shabby clothes and had a crutch, but also a big smile and the words of Philippians 4:11. Don't you think there is a reason why God calls us to come to Him as a child? Before Satan throws all of our fears, failures, and insecurities back in our face.  He seems to do that constantly to us grownups, doesn't he?
At least I feel them all the time. It can come from many sources, but basically the same message and always from him, "you're never going to be good enough".  Well, you know what Satan, you're right! I won't ever be good enough, but I'm so thankful God doesn't look at me the same way you do, He looks at me through the blood of Jesus Christ and there He sees me as clean and pure as the whitest snow. There He gives me grace and love and mercy and will prove Himself faithful time and time again.

So am I finished screaming "do-over"? Probably not. I know there are still going to be days that I will choose to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing, but I am going to choose to be a bit more aware of that grace that covers me and just ask for His forgiveness and not a "do-over".  Failures often times make us much stronger and also teaches us the lesson of being content. Content in what we have. In a world where the grass is always greener, the sun always brighter, or the snow always deeper, may we all learn to be content where God has placed us right here. Right now. At this time. To shine our lights for Him. To shine our lights ON Him. May He get ALL the glory and instead of me yelling "do-over" again, I'm asking for His grace once again and then I'm going to get in my car, go to the store, and buy me some daisies to enjoy while I'm snowed in tomorrow so I can say boldly "for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances."